JOKES
PICK UP LINES


 
 

M: SO HOW DOES IT FEEL?
W: HOW DOES WHAT FEEL?
M: TO BE AN ANGEL.
"SCREW ME IF I'M WRONG BUT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME IS BILL?"
M: ARE YOU FROM TENNESSEE?
W: NO. WHY?
M: BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY TEN I SEE.
WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS SCRAMBLED OR FERTILIZED?
BECKON TO GIRL WITH FINGER, AND WHEN SHE COMES OVER SAY: "IF I CAN MAKE YOU CUM WITH ONE FINGER JUST THINK WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY WHOLE BODY.
YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY GIRL! NOW GO TO MY ROOM!
M: DO YOU SLEEP ON YOUR STOMACH?
W: NO.
M: CAN I?
YOU DON'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT CHICK!
SOMEONE CALL THE COPS CUZ IS GOT TO BE ILLEGAL TO LOOK THAT GOOD.
DON'T LOOK TO ME LIKE YOUR MOTHER NEVER FED YOU?
M: ARE YOU GAY?
W: NO.
M: WOW, ME EIGHTER LETS HAVE SEX!
M: HEY DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
W: NO.
M: DO YOU WANT TO?
M: BOND, JAMES BOND.
W: LOST, GET LOST.
LOVE IS SENSATION THAT STARTS BY A TEMPTATION. A GUY STICKS HIS LOCATION IN A GIRLS DESTANATION TO POPULATE THE NEXT GENERATION. DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY EXPLANATION? OR DO YOU NEED A DEMONSTRATION?

50 RULES FOR MEN
( FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN)

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: NO PETTING.
6. The correct answer to "DO I LOOK FAT?" is never "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass" and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is not an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Bying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you are not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call...and call again.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out.