A TOWN WITH NO WOMEN
In a Poor town in the
middle of nowhere and no women..... A guy walks into a bar and asks the
bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?" The bartender
replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonlely we go out back where
there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first,
but after one try you're hooked." So after a few beers, the guy starts
getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the
barrel. At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole.
After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender,
"Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?". To
which the barteneder replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the
barrel".
THE BLIND MAN
St. Agnes convent was
in the middle of a remodeling effort. Three of the nunns, Sister Mary,
Sister Louise, and Sister Magdeline, were put in charge of painting. One
particularly hot afternoon, while painting, Sister Mary commented that
the heat was intolerable since the air conditioning broke down. Sister
Louise suggested that they all take off their habits since no one was around.
Sister Magdeline and Sister Mary were hesitant to paint in the nude, but
agreed since it was so hot. Soon after, a knock came at the door. Sister
Mary called out "who's there". "It's the blind man" came the reply. Sister
Magdeline and Sister Louise were frantic, but Sister Mary assured them
that since the visitor was blind, he would never even know that they
were nude. Sister Mary opened the door, the visitor stepped in, and asked
"Which room do you want me to install these mini blinds in?"
When the guy who invented
the car died, he went to heaven. When he got to the gate the Angel said
to him "You have done a lot good thing in your life. You have invented
the car and many other things. You may talk to anyone you wish to talk
while in heaven".
So the man who invented
the car requested the man who invented the WOMAN. He went up to him and
told him there was a flaw in his invention. The man who invented the woman
went to his computer, typed something in and then came back to the guy
who invented the car said "There may be something wrong with my invention,
but according to statistics, more people are riding my invention than yours!!!"
A man was walking along
a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up
and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, so you released
me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the forth time this week and
I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about three.
You only get one wish.
The man sat and thought
about it for a while and said "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm
too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge
to Hawaii so I can drive over there?"
The genie lauged and
replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics. How would the supports
ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how
much steel you will need. No, think of another wish."
The man agreed and tried
to think of a really good wish. He said, "I've been married and divorced
four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when
they give me the silent treatment, to know why they are crying, to know
what they want when they say 'nothing'..."
The genie replies, "Do
you want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
A Canadian Lumber camp
advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next
day, a skinng little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked
on the head Lumberjacks' door. The head Lumberjack took one look at the
little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance
to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"OK, see that giant
redwood over there?" said the Lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it."
The skinny man headed
for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Lumberjacks'
door. "I cut the tree down, " said the man. The Lumberjack couldn't believe
his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like
that?"
"In the Sahara Forest,",
replied the man.
"You mean the Sahara
Desert," said the Lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered, "Oh
sure, that's what they call it now."
Jimmy went to school
and when he got there the teacher asked them "To tell a story, that had
happened to them, with a moral." A girl raised her hand and said "I was
making cerel and I spilled milk." My mom told me "There is no use in crying
over spilled milk." The teacher responded "That was good, anyone else?"
Jimmy told her his story. "My father was in the army with several Yankees
on his ass. He killed 5 with the shotgun, 3 with the bowie knife on the
end of the gun, and he still had 3 more to kill. He toke out his wiskie
bottle, drank it and then killed the rest." The teacher replies "Thats
an awful story Jimmy, what happens with moral?" Jimmy said "Don't fuck
with my father when he is drunk!"
Tragically, three friends
die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Before
entering they are each asked a question by St. Peter, "When you are in
your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you
like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to
hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family
man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say
... "Look!!! He's moving!!!"
There was three ladies
who were all proud of their sons. The first lady said, "I'm proud of my
son because he's a priest and when people pass by they say 'hello father'"
The second lady said ,"I'm proud of my son because he's a arch bishop and
when people pass by they say 'hello your excellency." The third lady said,
"I'm proud of my son because he's 150kg and 2m tall and when people pass
him by they always say "Oh, my God!"
This guy walks into
a bar. The bartender offers the man $500 if he could make his horse laugh.
The bartender leads the man into a room where the horse is and closes the
door. A few minutes later, a lot of laughing could be heard. As the man
walks out of the room to get his money the bartender offers another $500
if the man could make his horse cry. The man goes into a room and a few
minutes later a lot of crying could be heard. The bartender asks, "How
did you make my horse laugh?" The man replies ,"I told the horse I had
a bigger dick than him." "How did you make him cry?" "I showed him!" replies
the man.
Three guy decided to
go hunting. When they came in the woods they unload their guns and put
their guns and out their vests on when one of the guys says he has to go
take a shit. He finds a log on the ground and sits, pull down his pants
and while he was taking a shit he fell asleep. The other two decided to
go off hunting without him. After a while the two men saw a deer, they
shoot it and go back to a camp. After gutting a deer they think it would
be funny to place the deer guts under their sleeping friend. Later that
night the third guy comes and says to them, "You know what guys? The strangest
thing happened when I was asleep. I shit out all of my guts. But with a
sharp stick and the grace of God I got them all back in!"
This woman walked in
her house and her husband was sitting on the couch watching football. She
asked him, "Honey, could you please change the lightbulb?" He said, "Does
it look like I have a.c.e. written on my forehead?" She said, "That's OK,
could you please fix the fridge door?" and he said, "Does it look like
I have General Electric written on my forehead?" Then she asked, "Honey,
could you please fix the steps?" And he said, "Does it look like I am a
carpenter?" and so then he is mad and goes to a bar. When he gets back,
he notices everything is fixed and he says, "Honey, how did you fix everything?"
She said, "I was sitting on the porch crying and a man came up and said
what's wrong, and I told him the story and he said he'll fix everything
if I either sleep with him or bake him a cake." Husband then said, "Well
what kind of cake did you bake him?" and she said "Does it look like I
have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
A man walks into a bar
with a wooden leg, a patch over his eye and a hook for a hand. The bartender
says, "Jesus, what happened to you?" The man replies, "Well my leg got
ripped of by a shark and my hand was cut off in the war." The bartender
says, "Awn that's too bad... what happened to the eye?" The man replies,
"A bird shit in it." "You lost your eye 'cause a bird shit in it?" Simply
the man replies, "Yeah, well I wonder what yor first reaction would be
when you've only had a hook for a week?!!"
A truck driver used
to amuse himself by running over lawyer he saw on the side of the street.
Everytime he would hit a lawyer he would hear a thump. One day he saw a
priest on the side of the road so he pulled over and asked the priest where
he was going. "To the church 5 miles down the road" he replied, so the
truck driver asked if he would like a ride. The priest got into the truck.
About a mile down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer, he swerved to
hit him but then remember the priest was with him, yet he still heard the
thump noise. He wondered why, "I'm sorry father, I almost hit that lawyer"
the truck driver said. "That's OK I got him with the door" the priest answered
back.
An engineer dies and
is before St. Peter. St. Petr says, "We don't have you on the list to go
to Heaven, but your file says you shouldn't be damned either. Tell you
what, we'll send you down to hell for a couple of days while we sort things
out." The engineer reluctantly goes to hell. The fist thing Satan says
to him is "We don't have you on our list either, so you can wait in the
processing room." Well, the engineer notices there are several problems
with the heat, smoke and water system disposal, and air purification. He
than rewires the place, designs an air condition system, and air purification.
Satan is pleased with the improvements. St. Peter calls down and says,
"Hey, you've got an engineer down there that belongs with us." Satan replies,
"No way, he's done a great job down there and we're keeping him." St. Peter
says, "If you don't give him back, we'll sue." Satan relies, "Fine... just
where do you think you'll find a lawyer?"
Two lawyers are standed
for months on a desert island. One day a beautifull woman washes ashore,
unconscience. The first lawyer says to his buddy, "Do you think we can
screw he?" His buddy replies, "Out of what?"
A bus load of lawyers
is traveling down a deset road. Suddently it swerves into a field and hits
a tree, and catches fire. The owner of the field, a farmer, run up, surveys
the scence, and buries all the lawyers. A week later, two policemen are
traveling down the same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to the
house and asks what happened. "A busload of lawyers crashed into the tree
and the bus caught fire" replied the farmer. "But what happened to all
the lawyers?!" asked the policeman. "I buried them," the farmer said. "They
were all dead?" cried the officer? " Well, some of them said they weren't",
replied the farmer, "but you know that lawyers are very good at lying!"
Once a priest and lawyer
died at the exact time, and they got switched. The priest went down, and
the lawyer went up. When they got unswitched, they met on the elevator.
"Oh!" said the priest, "Did you meet the virgin Mary?" he asked the lawyer.
"Yep!" he replied, "but just call her Mary now!"
One day a man was digging
a hole to plant a tree in his backyard. After digging about 2 feet he hit
a lamp, so he picked it up and brushed it off. Suddenly out popped a Genie
who said he would grant him three wishes. "Great!" the man replies. "However"
said the genie, "I must know who you hate the most." "I hate the lawyer
down the street the most," said the man. "Well," said the genie, "Whatever
you wish for, the lawyer gets double of that. "Eager to get his wishing
started, the man exclaimed "I wish I had a million dollars!" Poof! there
was a million dollar next to him. "Now remember the lawyer has 2 million
dollars," said the genie. Once again the man blurted out a wish impatiently.
"I wish I had a lemo and a driver!" Poof! suddently there was a lemo and
a driver in his driveway. "Remember, the lawyer has 2 lemo's and 2 drivers,"
said the genie. "This is your final wish, make it a good one." After a
long period of thought, the man grabbed his shovel and handed it to the
genie. Then he said "I wish you would beat me half to death!"
Recently a teacher,
a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each
have to answer on question. St. Peter adressed the teacher and asked, "What
was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?They just made a
movie about it?" The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him trought the gate. Than he turned to the garbage man and
asked him, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the
trashman had just seen the movie and answered. "About 1500." That's right,
you may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer, "Name them!"
A really dumb person
and a really smart person are sitting at a bar. The smart one says "I'll
buy you a beer if you can solve this puzzle if you don't get it, you buy
me a beer. Ok. My parents had a baby. It wasn't my brother and it wasn't
my sister. Who was it?" The other guy says "I don't know, who?" The smart
guy says "Me, you idiot, now where's my beer?" The dumb guy goes to another
dumb guy and says the same thing. "My parents had a baby, it wasn't my
brother and it wasn't my sister, who was it?" The other stupid guy said,
"Well, I don't know, who?" And the first stupid guy says, "That guy sitting
over at the bar!"
So, a kid is registered
at a new school. Hw walks in his classroom and says hi to his teacher.
The teacher asks "What is your name"? The boy say butt-itches. The teacher
says "If you do not tell me your real name I will take you to the principle."
The boy says "My name is butt-itches". So the teacher takes him to the
principle. The principle asks "What is your name?" The boy says "My name
is butt-itches". The principle says "If you do not tell me your real name
I will take you to the officer". The boy says "My name is butt-itches".
So he takes him to the officer. The officer says "What is your name?" The
boy replies "My name is butt-itches". The officer says "If you do not tell
me your real name I will blow your brains away". The boy replies "My name
is butt-itches". So the officer blows his brains out. His mother is walking
at his funeral crying "My poor butt-itches". The priest says "Why don't
you scratch it lady?"
This guy walks into
a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the
bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You
ain't from around here, are ya... Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm
from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm
a taxidermist." The bartender ask, "A taxidermist... now just what th'
hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount animals." The bartender grins
and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
A man stumbles up to
the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course,", comes the reply. The first man asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man replies, "You
don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," comes the
reply. "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's" replied the second man.
"I gradudated in '62." "This is unbeliavable, I went to St. Mary's and
graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in
comes one of the requaiars and sits down at the bar. "What0s been going
on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much, " replies the bartender.
"The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
A guy traveling trough
the praries of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood
at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood
there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings
into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen
buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"
A man walks into a bar
one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir,
that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed
the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu,
and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas,
and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes
to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents, "he replies.
"Four cents," exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barmen replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing
with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his
business."
A man suspected his
wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr.
Sui Tansow Pok to watch and report any activites that might develop. A
few days later, he received this:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house
He come house
I watch
He and she leave house
I follow
He and she go in hotel
I climb tree - look
in window
He kiss she
She kiss he
He strip she
She strip he
He play with she
She play with he
I play with me
Fall out of tree, not
see
There were 2 old-maid
sisters... both virgins. Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not goint
to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've benn
laid!" After about 15 after 1 the front door flys open in runs Gladys....
straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay,
Gladys?"
No answer, so she opens
the door and there sits Gladys with her panties aroung her ankles, legs
spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is
it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long
when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're
gonna have the time of your life!!!"
A little boy goes up
to his father and asks, "Dad, wht's the difference between hypothetical
and reality?" The father replies, "Well son, I could give you the book
definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs
and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $ 500,000."
The boy goes and asks
his mother, "Mom would you have sex with the mailman for $ 500,000?" The
mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father,
"Dad, she said "Hell, yes I would!" The father then says, "Okay, now go
and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $ 500,000."
The boy asks his sister
and she replies, "Hell, yes I would!"
He returns to his father,
"Dad, she said "Hell, yes I would!". The father answers, "Okay son, here's
the deal: Hipothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just
living with a couple of whores."
A guy tells his wife
that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him
a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her. The wife says, "I don't want to go
hunting because it's cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before,
so I think I'll go with the blowjob. "So she's down there doing her thing
and suddenly she says, "Your dick tastes like shit!" The guys says, "Yeah,
the dog didnt't want to go hunting either!"
Three old men were sitting
around the old folks home talking about their problems. One old man says,
"Every morning I have to get up stand in front of toilet for about twenty
minutes before anything finally decides to come out." The second man says
that's nothing. "Every morning I sit on the tiolet for an hour trying to
have a bowel movement." The third man says that's nothing. "Every morning
at six o'clock I urinate and at seven o'clock I have a bowel movement."
The two man look at each other and say "So what's the problem?" He says
"I don't wake up 'till eight...!!!"
